Crimson Regret
by Bookangel812
Summary: My hand was steady. I thrust my chosen suicide weapon into the left side of my chest, hoping to hit my heart, already broken with love" Song fic Evanescence's "Tourniquet".
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. I am not Stephenie Meyer; If I was, I would probally be hiding my face in shame at the last book. **

**A/N: This will be a three chapter story. Reviews are awesome. If you read it, review it!**

**Bella's point of view**

I sat in my room with the blinds drawn, the door shut, and the light off. Charlie wasn't home. _Charlie_. The name pierced me like a stake through my heart. That one name struck the dam inside my head that was holding back all the other names that I never wanted to think of again.

I could feel my self-placed resistance crumbling in my head. Any minute now the dam would break and bring the flood of names with it. Any minute now the pain would start. Any Second NOW! The pain hit me like a brick wall. All of the names came through my head like marathon runners.

_Charlie, Renee, Phil, Angela, Ben, Mike, Eric, Tyler, Angela, Billy, Jacob. _The last name started the tears for real. They had already been trickling down my cheeks, but now they came in earnest. Soon, all too soon, the others would sweep into my mind. I wouldn't let myself wallow in pain brought on by these names alone...oh no, I would drag out the one I had locked away in the deepest recesses of my head. I felt the pain building, and knew that the real pain would be coming. The new pain would make this pain look like child's play in comparison.

_Rosalie, Emmett_. I cried out, stuffing my fist in my mouth. The first two rocked me where I sat. I clutched my chest hoping to stifle some of the pain, yet it did no good. The rest followed shortly. _Carlisle, Jasper, Esme, Alice_. His name was coming. I could feel it build up somewhere deep inside of me. It was like my body was physically getting ready for the mental torrent coming.

_Edward_. It was here. I fell sideways onto my bed; the force had literally knocked me down. _Edward, my angel, my love, my soul mate, my universe, my lover, my -_ I was pulled out of my thoughts by the choking noise. I wasn't surprised to see that it was me making the noise. My tears, now cascading down, had fallen into my mouth, cutting off my breath.

I made my decision. Blindly I made my way to the door. Stumbling down the stairs, I fell into the kitchen. Pulling open the draw with the knives seemed to jolt me back to reality. My mind started to whirl again. It was ironic. When I first came to Charlie's I had been the one to rearrange the kitchen. I was the one who placed these knives in this draw. I would never have guessed back then that the objects in front of me would be put to this purpose.

I also would never have guessed that I would have met a vampire. Never guessed that I would have fallen head over heals for this man. Never had guessed that I would fall in love with him, foolishly thinking he loved me back. _No!_ my brain protested. _Maybe he still loves y-_I refused to let myself think that. He left me and made his intentions clear. I had only been a mere distraction.

I picked up the steak knife and slowly closed the draw with my hip. I took the knife in both hands; one hand would never provide the force I needed. My hand was steady. I thrust my chosen suicide weapon into the left side of my chest, hoping to hit my heart already broken with love.

The front door opened.

I fell to the floor, and my hands fell limply from the knife.

I tried to kill the pain  
but only brought more  
so much more  
I lay dying  
and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal

My vision quickly clouded over with blackness, but I could still hear, amazingly. I heard a feminine voice call out.

Her word rang through the house. "Bella?" It was questioning. I knew that voice. It raised so many feelings in my feebly beating heart. It was Esme.

Esme! My blood deprived brain weakly processed this information._ Maybe... she... came... back... maybe... she... still... wants... me... maybe... Edward... still... wants... me...?_

I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming  
am I too lost to be saved  
am I too lost?

* * *

**Well, I hope you liked it!**


	2. Chapter 2

**I do not own Twilight...**

**Thanks to everybody who reviewed! I feel so loved!**

**Edward's point of view**

I sat in my Volvo with Alice and Carlisle. Emmett and Rosalie weren't with us; they were on their honeymoon. I stared at the house where my love lived. She was so close, I could feel it.

I never wanted to leave her. I had no choice; I couldn't put someone I loved like that in so much danger. Every second that I was around her put her in mortal danger. If she got hurt, her pain would be mine. There was no way on earth I would hurt her. She didn't deserve me. She was an angel and I was a monster.

Alice had said that she was getting flashes from Bella's future. She said that Bella wasn't doing so well, so we drove down to Forks and sent Esme in just to see how she was doing. I promised myself that I wouldn't bother her. She should have a life; a normal, human life. I couldn't keep hurting her by being around her.

So we sent Esme in just to make sure that Bella wasn't doing anything rash. Bella's name brought back so many memories. I wanted her. I needed her. These last few months were torture. I hated being away from her, yet I knew it was for the best.

My thoughts swirled around in my head. Every so often I would find Alice's thoughts, or Carlisle's. Both of them thought my decision to leave Bella was a terrible one, but they both abided by my wishes. Carlisle's thoughts centered on if Bella was okay. He was worried that she would fall into a depression like Alice saw sometimes. Bella's future would waver between nothingness, and a life like a zombie, but Alice never brought it up. She knew it was my choice and let me live with it.

I heard Esme enter the house. "Bella?" she called. I held my breath, knowing any second I would hear her voice. My ray of sunshine would speak soon. I couldn't take it. I jumped out of the car and slammed the door behind me. I took of down the street, hoping to get away. I didn't think I could control myself if I heard Bella again.

Then I heard it. Esme screamed. I heard her shout from down the street. "Oh my God. Bella!" _Bella? What was wrong with my Bella?_ "Carlisle? CARLISE?"

Why would she want Carlisle? I ran back to find an empty car. Alice and Carlisle had gone inside. The door was hanging on its hinges. I took a deep breath and barged through. I saw that they were gathered in the kitchen. Carlisle was kneeling on the floor, his doctors that he kept in the trunk at all times lay open by his side.

What was going on? Was Bella sick? Then I heard Esme's thoughts. _Oh no. Not her. My poor Bella! Why? Oh, no, what about Edward? Why did she do it? I opened the door and saw her plunge the knife – no! It's too horrible._

Knife? What did Esme mean by "Plunge the knife"? Alice was crouched by Carlisle, crying. Her thoughts were simple. All she could repeat was a single sentence over and over again. It was like she didn't believe it. Her thoughts sent me running to Bella's side.

_Oh my God, Bella committed suicide_. That simple statement killed me. I was dead inside.

I kneeled down by her limp form. "Bella! Bella!" I uttered nothing but her name. I stroked her hair and placed passionate kisses on her checks. "Carlisle! Can you do something? Anything?" _If she dies, I die. Our bodies and our minds are one. We belong together. I should never have left her_.

My God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation  
my God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation

Carlisle didn't look up as he replied. "Edward, I don't know what I can do. The knife entered below her heart, so I might be able to save her. Right now, I don't know. She could go either way.

Carlisle went back to work with Alice helping him. He knew better to ask me. I couldn't have done it. All I was capable of was sitting by her beautiful face. "I love you Bella. I love you with all my heart. You can not die. You _can not_!" My voice broke. I couldn't handle this. I was a fool to leave her and now she was lying before me, her blood pouring out of her. Bella was my life.

Do you remember me  
lost for so long  
will you be on the other side  
or will you forget me?

At this moment, Bella and I were one. I felt her pain; I felt the pain of dying. There were no words to describe the pain, the love I felt at this moment. I could only pray that she would come back to me. I couldn't bear to loose her.

Did Bella know I was here with her? Did she know that I still love her?

I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming  
am I too lost to be saved  
am I too lost?

"Bella I love you! You can not die on me! I can not lose you! Can you hear me? Come back to me! Come back, Bella! I love you!" At this point I broke down. I slumped on the floor next to Bella, feeling as if I was dying along with her. Esme had left; the blood was spreading. "Carlisle" I rasped the name.

"Yes?" Carlisle didn't look up.

My only thought was saving Bella. "Do you think we could move her to a hospital?"

Carlisle shook his head. "If we move her, she will die. If we save her, it will have to be here." I shook with sobs, but no tears came.

My God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation

_Please God,_ I prayed, _let my love survive. Return her to me. She is my life, my soul. I will die without her_

My God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation

_I was foolish to leave her._ Pain, I never knew what pain was until this moment_. If this is what it will be like if she's gone then I want to die with her, right here, right now._

I want to die!

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	3. Chapter 3

**I don't own Twilight, of course...**

**Bella's point of view**

I want to die!

The pain! Oh, the agony. I could see nothing, feeling nothing except pain. Yet, at the same time, the pain was ebbing. Was I close to death already, or was I coming back?

Hanging on the edge, I heard footsteps. They come rushing in. A voice spoke to me, yet I had no idea what the voice was saying.

Then I heard it. That sweet voice that was broken with pain. Even this close to death, I could hear him; understand him. The voice was like music to my ears. All of a sudden, my actions felt incredible stupid.

I tried to move my hand – to touch him, tell him that I loved him - but it wouldn't move. I sobbed to myself; my mouth wasn't responding either. I wanted to come back. I wanted Edward. I wanted Alice, my father, Carlisle, Esme, Emmet, Jacob, Rosalie. I wanted breath, I wanted movement, I wanted everything that was associated with life.

I realized that my suicide was stupid; life was too short to pass up. Even if Edward didn't love me, I still knew that living was better than dying. I would have died eventually but my life would have been full of experiences that I would cherish, even if I didn't have my angel beside me.

My God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation  
my God my tourniquet  
return to me salvation

The voices I had heard faintly had stopped. I realized that I had been talking as if I was already dead. Finally, the darkness told me that death was right beyond my sight, and a single second or two was all I had left.

Stupidly I remembered that I hadn't told anyone goodbye. My thoughts were idiotic; it wasn't like I could do anything about it now.

Now the memories came. My mother and I playing a board game when I was young. The first time I came to Forks. The time I had just learned how to drive and I crashed into a mailbox. Phil and Renee smiled up at me frozen in a picture taken on their honeymoon. The caption underneath said _"To Bella, My – Our dearest daughter_" I had lost all forms of emotion or else I would have felt immense sorrow. That's what dying did to you; feeling felt you until all that was left was a small voice speaking in your mind.

The smallest spark that was left in me pulsed, and I heard his voice echo in my head. My mind and body were spit. My mind heard life calling me and I wanted to go towards it; dying had lost all its appeal to me now, yet my body was obviously not getting my mind's memo; it still went on bleeding, killing me swiftly, yet slow enough for me to contemplate my life.

My wounds cry for the grave  
my soul cries for deliverance  
will I be denied Christ  
tourniquet

**Carlisle's POV**

She was ebbing. The blood was slowing, though I knew it wasn't because of the tourniquet I had put on. It was because there was little blood left to bleed. I wept inside, not wanting to let Edward know quite yet. He was slumped on the floor, tears that I couldn't see filling his eyes.

The time passed quickly Alice had left, though I didn't think it was from the amount of blood. Esme was leaning on the counter, limp. There was nothing in her to hold her petite frame up anymore.

My hands were shaking, knowing how close death hovered in the kitchen. Edward had Bella's hand in his, and he immediately felt the change in her very, very, slight pulse. He picked his head up in silent question.

I nodded.

My suicide

**This is the last chapter! The end! So what did everyone think? Let me know; I love hearing from you. **


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